Whether it is a close family member who has died or someone they don't personally know, like a famous person - children experience death and parents will be asked about it. 

But what is the right thing to say, especially at a time when a parent is often going through their own grief?

Many parents worry about getting it wrong, but honest answers, concrete terminology and empathy go a long way, 'We don't want them trying to figure it out for themselves.'

Benjamin Jensen is a grief counsellor at Skylight - Listen to his interview as he discusses how to talk to children about death with Kathryn Ryan on Radio NZ.

Here is a summary of the conversation below:

Kathryn Ryan
Today we’re looking at the tricky subject of death, and how parents can talk to their children about it. When someone dies — whether it’s a close family member, a parent or grandparent, or even a famous person the child doesn’t personally know — children will have questions. Parents may also be managing their own grief, so what’s the right thing to say?

Benjamin Jensen is a grief counsellor at Skylight Trust, an organisation that helps families dealing with loss. Benjamin, good morning.

Benjamin Jensen
Kia ora, thank you very much for having me.

When children first encounter death

Kathryn Ryan
For young children who haven’t had a close experience of death, where do you begin?

Benjamin Jensen
It depends on age. Very young children who aren’t verbal will experience grief physically — stomach pains, crying more, clinginess. What they need is comfort.

As they get older and develop language, you can start to explain what’s happening. I always encourage parents to weave in simple, age-appropriate language. Specifically, when talking about death, we recommend using words like death and dying. Euphemisms such as passed away or gone to the other side can be confusing for young children.

Understanding death

Kathryn Ryan
When do children first have a concept of death?

Benjamin Jensen
It varies. The more exposure they have to the concept, the sooner they may begin to understand it. But many don’t fully grasp the permanence of death until around four to six years old, sometimes later. Even then, they may ask the same questions repeatedly: What is death? How long does someone die for? They’re trying to make sense of it.

Kathryn Ryan
So if a four- or six-year-old asks, “What is death?”, what’s the best way to answer?

Benjamin Jensen
Be honest, keep it simple:

“Death usually happens when someone is very old or very sick. When that happens, their body stops working and their brain stops working. That means they have died and won’t come back.”

If there’s a cultural or spiritual belief in your family, you can build on that, but the basic explanation needs to be clear and concrete.

Balancing honesty and comfort

Kathryn Ryan
Parents sometimes want to soften the blow, saying things like, Nana is looking down on you from heaven. Are you saying children need a clear physiological explanation as well?

Benjamin Jensen
Yes. It’s fine to share spiritual beliefs, but children also need to understand that death is final, and that the person can’t come back. Otherwise they may misinterpret. If we say someone has gone for a long sleep, children may think they can wake them up, or that the person is choosing not to wake because of something the child did. That can cause guilt or fear. Clear language helps prevent that.

First experiences of death

Kathryn Ryan
Sometimes a child’s first experience of death is a pet dying, or finding a dead animal. Is this often how the concept begins?

Benjamin Jensen
Yes, absolutely. Or they may see it on the news, or hear about a celebrity who has died. These are opportunities to normalise the conversation. You might say, “This animal was very old or sick, and when that happens, they die.” Some families choose to bury a pet, which helps make sense of the process.

When young people die

Kathryn Ryan
It isn’t always older people who die. How do you talk about that when it’s a child at school, or a young family member?

Benjamin Jensen
That’s when the conversations become more specific. If someone younger dies of cancer, for example, you can say:

“They had a disease, and their body couldn’t fight it anymore, so they died.”

Then follow up with reassurance: “That’s why we see doctors, to check we’re healthy. You’re healthy, we’re looking after you, and we’ll keep seeing the doctor to look after ourselves too.”

Reassurance and honesty

Kathryn Ryan
But children might worry if they haven’t been to the doctor that week — Am I going to die? How do you reassure without promising something you can’t?

Benjamin Jensen
You can explain that sometimes — but not often — people get sick or have accidents. It doesn’t happen all the time, but when it does, we feel sad. Then reassure them: “We don’t expect this to happen to you. You’re healthy, and we’re here to look after you.”

As children grow older

Kathryn Ryan
As children move into primary school and beyond, they may want more information about what caused a death. How do you explain that?

Benjamin Jensen
From around six onwards, children often want more detail. Take a heart attack, for example. Instead of just saying “heart attack,” which sounds frightening, you could say:

“It means something went wrong with their heart, and it stopped working. When the heart stops, the body and brain stop too, and the person dies.”

Then you can reassure them by listening to their heartbeat and showing them they’re healthy. Constant reassurance is important.

Preparing children for an expected death

Kathryn Ryan
How do you prepare a child for the death of a beloved grandparent who is very unwell?

Benjamin Jensen
There’s no perfect timing. Parents often worry about getting it wrong, but as long as you’re being honest and giving clear answers, you’re doing the right thing. You don’t need to over-explain medically — just say what’s happening in simple terms.

Kathryn Ryan
And again, you’re big on using the word die.

Benjamin Jensen
Yes. Euphemisms like passed away or lost can create confusion. Children might think the person has gone somewhere else or can be found. Being clear helps them understand and prepares them for what’s happening.

Grief and children

Kathryn Ryan
How do you talk about grief itself with children?

Benjamin Jensen
Children often move in and out of grief quickly — upset one moment, back to playing the next. They may also show grief through behaviour, like anger or acting out. Grief can sometimes be delayed.

What’s important is to validate their feelings: “It’s okay to feel sad, angry, or confused. We’re here if you want to talk.” Don’t tell them what they should feel.

Teenagers and grief

Kathryn Ryan
What should people expect with adolescents?

Benjamin Jensen
Every teenager is unique, but common patterns include withdrawing or avoiding talking about it because of social stigma. They may worry about sharing grief with peers. They might also experience strong emotions or pull away from family. The best approach is a gentle invitation to talk, without pressure, and to make sure they know where support is available.

Should children attend funerals?

Kathryn Ryan
Is there ever a time when a child is too young to go to a funeral?

Benjamin Jensen
Not necessarily. It depends on the family and whether they can support the child during the day. I’ve seen two-year-olds at funerals. They may say things like “Granddad is going in the ground,” and that’s okay. Being part of the ritual helps them understand and validates their feelings. If it’s not possible, that’s okay too — but where possible, it’s valuable for children to be included.

Supporting parents

Kathryn Ryan
This must be even harder for parents when they’re grieving themselves.

Benjamin Jensen
Yes, which is why it’s so important to lean on your support networks — family, friends, community — to help with practical needs. That way, parents can focus on being emotionally present for their children.

Neurodiverse children

Kathryn Ryan
Is the approach different for neurodivergent children?

Benjamin Jensen
I’m not a specialist in neurodiverse grief, but in general, clear and concrete language is still important. Give them space and time, encourage them to ask clarifying questions, and reassure them. Grief is a natural process. Some children need more support, but humans are generally capable of working through it, especially with care around them.

Final thoughts

Kathryn Ryan
Thank you, Benjamin.

Benjamin Jensen
Thank you. Skylight Trust has resources and counselling available, and people are welcome to reach out if they’d like support.